Wednesday, March 16, 2016

Listening's hard. So is selling stuff. Wait- no... No, it's actually super easy.

Listening.

Are you?

Listening?

Probably not. That's my experience, at least. Most people outside of a few select groups in which I travel do not listen to anything - ANYTHING - that they are presented with, but rather choose to make an assumption about the direction a conversation is going and answer whatever question they assume is the one being asked, regardless of what is actually being asked of them.

Here's my newest example and the reason I won't be rejoining 24 Hour Fitness.

His name is Patrick. He's a Sales Associate (an "SA" if you are one of 24's minions). And he does not listen.

I knew I was going into this conversation with a limited amount of time, so I had my script prepared.

"Hi. I completely cancelled my membership almost a year ago. I recently got an email from you all stating I could get a month free and 25% off my initiation fee if I re-started my membership before April 1st. I'd like to talk to someone about getting a trial pass for three days so I can try out this location at a few different times of day to make sure this is a good fit and I'll be able to do what I need to do here. Can you help me with that?"

The front desk monkey said she'd find me someone. To the new person, I said:

"Hi. I completely cancelled my membership almost a year ago. I recently got an email from you all stating I could get a month free and 25% off my initiation fee if I re-started my membership before April 1st. I'd like to talk to someone about getting a trial pass for three days so I can try out this location at a few different times of day to make sure this is a good fit and I'll be able to do what I need to do here. Can you help me with that?"

That person, the one she found me, said he'd find me someone.

(Spoiler alert, this is when we meet Patrick.)

Patrick comes out and walks with me to a membership-creating computer station. He insists I begin the process, I acquiesce all the while saying - shockingly:

"Hi. I completely cancelled my membership almost a year ago. I recently got an email from you all stating I could get a month free and 25% off my initiation fee if I re-started my membership before April 1st. I'd like to talk to someone about getting a trial pass for three days so I can try out this location at a few different times of day to make sure this is a good fit and I'll be able to do what I need to do here. Can you help me with that?"

He says "so let's get you signed up with a membership."

I say something like, "No. I'd like to get some kind of a three day trial pass to make sure that this gym will work for my needs."

"Well, we can't do that since you've already been a member in the past. Were you a member at this location?"

"No, at the Koreatown location. And it was awful. Have you been there?"

"Well, we can't do a pass for you since you've been a member."

"...Then I guess I won't be getting a membership."

[I remove my hands from the sign-up keyboard like it's snakes.]

"Let's just get you signed up, though, because you'll still have a 24 hour period to cancel."

"24 hours isn't enough. I have 10 minutes right now to get this pass figured out. That's why I'm asking for three days to assess whether this gym will work for my needs. I assumed this conversation would take a while, which it is, so since I won't be able to fully determine if I can use this gym for what I need in the span of 24 hours, and that's all you can give me, I won't be signing up."

"You can use the gym right now if you sign up."

"Okay... Again. Patrick. I need to leave in now... eight minutes. I don't have time. I need longer than 24 hours to figure out if this gym will work for me. So no, I won't be signing up."

"Well, you have 24 hours to cancel. It only takes 2 minutes to get you signed up."

"I. Don't. Have. Time. To. Work. Out. Today."

"Well, you should get signed up now because this deal ends tomorrow."

"What? No it doesn't. Today is the 16th. This deal that I am staring at, the one in my inbox, ends the 1st."

"No the other intro deal I'm signing you up for."

"What are you even talking about."

"It's a discounted initiation fee if you sign up before St. Patrick's day tomorrow."

"Then if I have time tomorrow, I'll come back tomorrow so I can actually utilize the 24 hour window I'd be allotted to determine if this gym is useable for me."

"It only takes 2 minutes to sign up right now."

"That's lovely, and, that's all the time I have left and now I need to leave."

"You'd have three days to decide if you want to cancel; penalty-free."

"... ... ... You said I'd have 24 hours."

"That's what I tell people because they forget to cancel and then want to get a refund so I tell them they have 24 hours."

"So do people have 24 hours or 3 days?"

"3 days."

"Because you told me 24 hours."

"I tell people that so they they understand the urgency. So let's get you signed up."

"Wow. Okay. You're not listening which is making me doubt my choice to come back here at all. I need to leave. Goodbye."

"Okay, see you tomorrow. I'm Patrick."

"... Yes. I know. We covered that."

" *expectant smile* "

"I'm still Andrew."

"See you tomorrow, Andrew."

"No, Patrick, you won't."

Let's break this down.

Step 1: Listen!
Patrick did not listen. Had Patrick listened, he would have heard that I, repeatedly, expressed that I am concerned my fitness needs, my equipment needs, my spacial needs, would not be met by this particular location. However he did not ONCE, nor did anyone else even ONCE, ask me what those needs are. No one said, "do you want to see the space now to see if we have what you need?" He didn't seek to understand what those pesky needs of mine were. He wanted his commission and I could smell it on him a mile away. He reeked of desperation and hardball strong-arm sales techniques with absolutely zero attention paid to his customer's needs or concerns. That's called manipulation and bullying, not sales. I don't workout with (or buy from) bullies.

Step 2: Tell the damn truth.
Patrick did not tell the truth. If you lie to me, I will not buy your product. Period. That is false advertising and it is disrespectful. And on an even subtler level than that, had Patrick been listening instead of waiting for his opportunity to strong-arm me into a sale again, he would have heard that I came in asking for one thing: a three-day pass to check out the facility and see if it would work for my needs. Had he told the truth from the beginning, had he said simply, "I understand you need a few days to figure out if this is a good fit. I'd love to get you signed up so you can use the three-day, no-hassle, no-strings-attached cancellation policy in lieu of a guest pass. Since, by policy, I can't grant you a pass because you've had a membership before, that would be a way for you to get a free trial run for three days. Just make sure that you do cancel the membership before those three days are up if you do decide this is not the right fit."

THAT WOULD HAVE SOLVED THE PROBLEM.

I would have signed up right then and there, happy as a clam, spent my remaining seven-and-a-half minutes bench pressing, and gone back tomorrow to do a 2 hour set. Patrick would have gotten his commission. Everyone would have been happy.

But instead, Patrick lied. He tried to manipulate me. He tried to trick me; to con me. So, no, problem not solved, Patrick. Problem not solved.

Step 3: Empathize, children.
Had Patrick tried empathizing with his customer - me - he would have noticed that I was deeply concerned about coming back to 24 hour fitness. I mentioned to him repeatedly that I had a horrible experience working out at the Koreatown location. But did he ask why? Did he ask what was problematic for me? Nope. He just repeated his script about getting me signed up. What did Patrick care about? Patrick. And Patrick's commission. And that's all.

Moral of the story?

If you are in a sales position, if you are trying to sell stuff to people, LISTEN. He probably could have convinced me to make the choice to just go ahead and sign up today had he come at it from the angle of "what was the experience at K-town that made you cancel your membership?" and "You can get those three days you need at the top of a new membership and cancel penalty-free if it doesn't work out for you." But alas, Patrick did none of those things. And alas, I still have no place to work out. So that, dear readers, is called a "lose-lose."

Patrick, I hope your boss reads this. For the sake of every other person who walks through those doors and is bombarded by your complete lack of empathy and manipulative attitude.

Listen.

Wednesday, March 2, 2016

150 Substitutions for the R-Word (for motherfucking grown-ups)

Terri Mauro[0], About.com’s Parenting Special Needs expert and author of 50 Ways To Support Your Child’s Special Education[1], recently put out a list of “225 Substitutes for the R-Word.”[3]

I think that’s fantastic! Can’t coach someone on something you haven’t taught them, right? So teach America some vocabulary and maybe – just maybe – a little open-mindedness might start to shine through the deluge of ignorance that is so proudly rampant in our culture.

Just one little problem…

Never will I ever refer to myself as a “ding-a-ling.” Nor will I call anyone else a “bubblehead.” Similarly, I shan’t be referring to any circumstantial situation as “ill-advised” (unless it is ill-advised, in which case I probably would wish to refer to it as “ill-advised,” but not as a replacement for the R-Word; but that’s not the point. Or is it…?).

If I want to insult someone or something I’m damn well going to insult the living fuck out of him/her/it (see how quickly that escalated?).

Now, don’t get me wrong, I have massive respect and admiration for Ms. Mauro and the work she put into her article (seriously – she's a stone-cold badass and it’s impressive. Go read it), but as colloquially speaking adults, we need a list to match the catharsis of the venom we spit at each other every day. Mauro’s list is great – GREAT – for kids and schools (and, in many cases, professional settings), but what about the grown-ass adults out there who are too set in their R-Word-using ways to change without having a better (or rather, shall we say, more satisfying) option? I feel they need something… bolder. So with that said [strap in for some Deadpool-inspired profanity, children]…

ANDREW JOSEPH PEREZ’S 150 MOTHERFUCKING HARDCORE SUBSTITUTES
FOR THE R-WORD

(Side Note: As compared to Ms. Maruo’s article, I am only including 150 insults or descriptors here rather than 225, and they’ll be in two sections of 75 rather than three. The reason being that I don’t believe we, as a community, need any more reinforcement that negative self-talk is acceptable. We do enough of that already. And hey, you want to go use some of these on yourself, go for it. Not my chair, not my problem.[4] But I encourage you to talk nice to yourself on a daily basis and sling these insults at your friends and colleagues in place of the R-Word. See how it goes.)

We’re gonna break this down into the two aforementioned sections. The first section will deal with pejoratives slung at individuals or groups. The second section will deal with ways to demean a situation, circumstance, or experience. Here we go!

(Sorry! Last aside, I promise. I also encourage you to read these lists aloud to yourself. It's more fun that way. Okay, now here we go!)

SECTION 1: “You are such a(n) ____________.”

Dumbass
Moron
Jackass
Damn fool
Asshole
Ass hat
Ignoramus
Idiot
Limp noodle
Jerkface
Ass jacket
Ass monkey
Wanker
Bastard
Bitch
Son of a bitch
Boob
Cankerous boil
Bilge rat
Scurvy dog
Coward
Cretin
Flip-flopper
Prick
Arrogant prick
Turd
Turd muffin
Fuck-face
Dickless sack of shit
Fuckup
Douche-lord
Cock-guzzling jackass
Justin Bieber
Numb-nuts
Hepatitis-faced bastard
Syphilitic shit head
Useless pile of horse shit
Donald Trump-supporter
Butthole
Cock-cheese
Wang
Chode
Shit stain
Shit-swizzler
Cock-gobbler
Shit-swizzling cock-gobbler
Dick cheese
Republican
Ignorant fuck
Butt plug
Dildo
Democrat
Fuckwad
Fred Durst[5]*
Commie bastard
Traitor
Pontificator
Pusillanimous tit
Bung hole
“Short-fingered vulgarian”[6]**
Harry Potter from book five
Walking Darwin Award
Vaginal wart
Motherfucker
Fuck stick
Shit for brains
Jizz rag
Swamp-ass motherfucker
Scrotum-faced son of a bitch
Dick kabob
Ten-cent hooker
Isis sympathizer
Stupid fuck
Moist, gaping pustule
Unpleasant individual to be around, generally speaking.

*I apologize if this one went too far. If anyone’s feelings were hurt unnecessarily by even the mere thought of having the name “Fred Durst” slung, like a fart, in their general direction, I sincerely apologize and wish you only happiness and rainbow unicorns.
**Vanity Fair Editor Graydon Carter referring to Donald Trump.


You with me so far? Good. Let’s go!

SECTION 2: “This [situation, circumstance, or activity] is ____________.”

(You ready?)

Like being fucked in the ear with a tire iron
Somewhat less than desirable
Stupid
The worst
Fucking terrible
Actively offensive to my sensibilities
Boring
Boring as hell
Boring as fuck
Shitty
Fucking shitty
What Hell feels like
Degrading
Insulting to my intelligence
Beneath me
Worthless
A waste of time
Counterproductive
Fucked
FUBAR
Pathetic
Weak
Unbearable
Deleterious
Adverse to my ability to ever get an erection again. Ever.
Sophomoric
Asinine
Canadian[7]
A veritable shit storm
Aggravating
Vexing
Perturbing
Idiotic
Moronic
The best you could come up with?
Fucking ridiculous
So awful I want to gouge my eyes out with a dead rat’s teeth
Like Apartheid*
Worse than terrorism
Making me wish I was getting an un-anesthetized root canal
Hellacious
Torturous
Like a catheter made of cactus spines
Sucky
A fuck-a-doodle-do
Fucking infuriating
A dip-shit parade
A carnival of ignorance
A cock-sucking shit time
One long, fucked up [experience]
A goddamn tragedy
A dumbass convention
Unapologetically awful
Blasphemous
Hate-worthy
Physically painful
Frustrating as fuck
Gross
Embarrassing
Tedious
A shit show
Nothing short of nauseating
Shitsville
Fuck-Me-Topia
Fuck-tastic
Cock Town
Reason to drink
Why I do heroin
How the Holocaust got started**
Why America, like Rome, will inevitably fall
Dick-slap shit-fucked
Cock-shit motherfucked
Shit-Cock McGee
Fucking fuckety shit fucked
Kinda lame

*Because Apartheid was bad.
**Because the Holocaust was also bad.


So to sum up…

With so many glorious, verbose, and exasperatingly pretentious and crass ways to degrade, demean, and destroy one another in verbal or written onslaughts… Do you really want to be the last [Bonus Round!] troglodyte holding on to an outdated slur from a bygone, ignorant era of classlessness?


Didn’t think so.