Terri Mauro[0],
About.com’s Parenting Special Needs expert and author of 50 Ways To Support
Your Child’s Special Education[1],
recently put out a list of “225 Substitutes for the R-Word.”[3]
I think that’s
fantastic! Can’t coach someone on something you haven’t taught them, right? So
teach America some vocabulary and maybe – just maybe – a little open-mindedness
might start to shine through the deluge of ignorance that is so proudly rampant
in our culture.
Just one little
problem…
Never will I
ever refer to myself as a “ding-a-ling.” Nor will I call anyone else a
“bubblehead.” Similarly, I shan’t be referring to any circumstantial situation
as “ill-advised” (unless it is
ill-advised, in which case I probably would
wish to refer to it as “ill-advised,” but not as a replacement for the R-Word;
but that’s not the point. Or is it…?).
If I want to
insult someone or something I’m damn well going to insult the living fuck out
of him/her/it (see how quickly that escalated?).
Now, don’t get
me wrong, I have massive respect and
admiration for Ms. Mauro and the work she put into her article (seriously – she's a stone-cold badass and it’s impressive. Go
read it), but as colloquially speaking adults, we need a list to match the catharsis of the venom we spit at each
other every day. Mauro’s list is great – GREAT – for kids and schools (and, in
many cases, professional settings), but what about the grown-ass adults out
there who are too set in their R-Word-using ways to change without having a
better (or rather, shall we say, more
satisfying) option? I feel they need something… bolder. So with that said
[strap in for some Deadpool-inspired profanity, children]…
ANDREW JOSEPH PEREZ’S 150 MOTHERFUCKING
HARDCORE SUBSTITUTES
FOR THE R-WORD
(Side Note: As
compared to Ms. Maruo’s article, I am only including 150 insults or descriptors
here rather than 225, and they’ll be in two sections of 75 rather than three.
The reason being that I don’t believe we, as a community, need any more
reinforcement that negative self-talk is acceptable. We do enough of that
already. And hey, you want to go use some of these on yourself, go for it. Not
my chair, not my problem.[4] But I encourage
you to talk nice to yourself on a daily basis and sling these insults at your
friends and colleagues in place of the R-Word. See how it goes.)
We’re gonna
break this down into the two aforementioned sections. The first section will
deal with pejoratives slung at individuals or groups. The second section will
deal with ways to demean a situation, circumstance, or experience. Here we go!
(Sorry! Last aside, I promise. I also encourage you to read these lists aloud to yourself. It's more fun that way. Okay, now here we go!)
SECTION 1: “You are such a(n)
____________.”
Dumbass
Moron
Jackass
Damn fool
Asshole
Ass hat
Ignoramus
Idiot
Limp noodle
Jerkface
Ass jacket
Ass monkey
Wanker
Bastard
Bitch
Son of a bitch
Boob
Cankerous boil
Bilge rat
Scurvy dog
Coward
Cretin
Flip-flopper
Prick
Arrogant prick
Turd
Turd muffin
Fuck-face
Dickless sack of
shit
Fuckup
Douche-lord
Cock-guzzling jackass
Justin Bieber
Numb-nuts
Hepatitis-faced
bastard
Syphilitic shit
head
Useless pile of
horse shit
Donald
Trump-supporter
Butthole
Cock-cheese
Wang
Chode
Shit stain
Shit-swizzler
Cock-gobbler
Shit-swizzling
cock-gobbler
Dick cheese
Republican
Ignorant fuck
Butt plug
Dildo
Democrat
Fuckwad
Fred Durst[5]*
Commie bastard
Traitor
Pontificator
Pusillanimous tit
Bung hole
“Short-fingered
vulgarian”[6]**
Harry Potter
from book five
Walking Darwin
Award
Vaginal wart
Motherfucker
Fuck stick
Shit for brains
Jizz rag
Swamp-ass
motherfucker
Scrotum-faced
son of a bitch
Dick kabob
Ten-cent hooker
Isis sympathizer
Stupid fuck
Moist, gaping
pustule
Unpleasant individual
to be around, generally speaking.
*I apologize if this one went too far. If
anyone’s feelings were hurt unnecessarily by even the mere thought of having the
name “Fred Durst” slung, like a fart, in their general direction, I sincerely
apologize and wish you only happiness and rainbow unicorns.
**Vanity Fair Editor Graydon Carter
referring to Donald Trump.
You with me so far?
Good. Let’s go!
SECTION 2: “This [situation,
circumstance, or activity] is ____________.”
(You ready?)
Like being
fucked in the ear with a tire iron
Somewhat less
than desirable
Stupid
The worst
Fucking terrible
Actively
offensive to my sensibilities
Boring
Boring as hell
Boring as fuck
Shitty
Fucking shitty
What Hell feels
like
Degrading
Insulting to my
intelligence
Beneath me
Worthless
A waste of time
Counterproductive
Fucked
FUBAR
Pathetic
Weak
Unbearable
Deleterious
Adverse to my
ability to ever get an erection again. Ever.
Sophomoric
Asinine
Canadian[7]
A veritable shit
storm
Aggravating
Vexing
Perturbing
Idiotic
Moronic
The best you
could come up with?
Fucking
ridiculous
So awful I want
to gouge my eyes out with a dead rat’s teeth
Like Apartheid*
Worse than terrorism
Making me wish I
was getting an un-anesthetized root canal
Hellacious
Torturous
Like a catheter
made of cactus spines
Sucky
A
fuck-a-doodle-do
Fucking
infuriating
A dip-shit
parade
A carnival of
ignorance
A cock-sucking
shit time
One long, fucked
up [experience]
A goddamn
tragedy
A dumbass
convention
Unapologetically
awful
Blasphemous
Hate-worthy
Physically
painful
Frustrating as
fuck
Gross
Embarrassing
Tedious
A shit show
Nothing short of
nauseating
Shitsville
Fuck-Me-Topia
Fuck-tastic
Cock Town
Reason to drink
Why I do heroin
How the
Holocaust got started**
Why America,
like Rome, will inevitably fall
Dick-slap
shit-fucked
Cock-shit
motherfucked
Shit-Cock McGee
Fucking fuckety
shit fucked
Kinda lame
*Because Apartheid was bad.
**Because the Holocaust was also bad.
So to sum up…
With so many
glorious, verbose, and exasperatingly pretentious and crass ways to degrade,
demean, and destroy one another in verbal or written onslaughts… Do you really
want to be the last [Bonus Round!] troglodyte holding on to an outdated slur
from a bygone, ignorant era of classlessness?
Didn’t think so.
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